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Permalink Reply by Jones Franzel on May 21, 2008 at 11:44am

Curie! It's a pleasure to hear these, as always.

Innocent Bystanders: Wow! You've collected some great, heavy tape here - so why rush through? Difficult as it is, I think you should cut out a few of these stories, or cut out pieces of them, to open up space and pauses between that let them sink in. You can also try playing with music and bringing it up after we've heard something you want us to think about (like getting shot in the ankle...)

A bigger question I have on this piece is what you'd really like the listener to take away from it. You've posed (I think!) 3 thought-provoking questions: have you been an innocent bystander, were you emotionally scarred, and what do you think should be done about it. Because so much of your tape focuses on the first question, the last two feel like afterthoughts. And because they're not really explored, the piece feels a bit unbalanced. Is it important to have questions 2 and 3? Are they what you want the audience to reflect on later? How can you add more weight to this section?

Few small things - maybe start with "what you is? what you is?" because this grabs the ears. "I was wearing nothing but black..." is a great story but longish. Watch the quick cuts (that clip words etc.) Music at the end feels a little busy for the piece. What's the tone you want to strike on the outro?

A GREAT draft - can't wait to hear the final version!

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Permalink Reply by Eric on May 23, 2008 at 12:29pm

INNOCENT BYSTANDER: Alrightie dudes, you got some pretty good tape. I like how you try to make this kind of a vox pop/story type thing, because it really works well. Well from my point of view, I think you need more stories...yes, I know there's a time limit, but I think that if you were to collect more stories and edit them correctly (you know, cut out the not-so-good tape and leave the good stuff), you could have a pretty good, above decent piece.

ARMY RECRUITMENT: I like the topic because a lot of high school teenagers recieve calls to join the military and things like that. The only thing I have a question is where is your story going? I didn't understand the question...I like how the story flows, but I'm still a bit confused as to where you were trying to take the listener. Maybe if you explain it a bit more through asking questions to the military guy and/or your interviewee might help a lot.

UNDOCUMENTED VOTERS: Great subject! I, too, am fascinated by how voting affects teens....especially those who are undocumented. I like the interviews you got in this piece. The only thing that I might actually cut out is the different music types. I'm sorry dudes, but they just don't work! I had trouble concentrating on the actual piece without the music being a distraction. The beginning music fits great with the narration, but once the interviewer asks the first girl if she's going to vote or not, I think that the music should be lowered immediately. And if you really want music, I think you should wait until the end so that it ends with music. Overall, pretty good piece.

Keep Up The Good Job!!!

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Permalink Reply by Aaron on May 28, 2008 at 12:50pm

Pretty good, I'd make it a bit longer and more in depth, but the general topic is good. Keep it up.

- Aaron, KURA

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Permalink Reply by Peter Felde on May 28, 2008 at 12:58pm

This all sounds good guys. The topic about army recruitment is definetly a "now" issue with the war in Iraq and a potential draft. Keep up the good work.
Peter Felde KURA

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Permalink Reply by Jonny on May 29, 2008 at 10:39am

Cool Ideas man I like the base of these peices

Jonny Gregory
kura Radio

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Permalink Reply by Michal Fagrelius on May 30, 2008 at 6:10pm

So i am really impressed with these audio pieces. But here are a couple tips:

1. let the stories develoup more, i didn't feel alot of sympathy for these people.
2. don't air your questions, it disrupst the flow of the piece.
3. your sound levels are really choppy, i could hrdly hear some of the people in the 3rd piece.

Michal

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Permalink Reply by Elena Chin on May 31, 2008 at 1:51pm

The gang bystanders sounds really cool so far. I kind of feel like it doesn't build to a climax anywhere, the beginning of the voices sounds a lot like the ones at the end. Maybe with music you could change the feel as the piece moves forward. Also, I thought that the guy in the football colors getting shot in his living room was one of the most moving of the stories so maybe putting that at the end would help.

I totally agree with Jones Franzel about the time to sink in stuff. It does feel rushed.

Hope that helped,
Elena Chin

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Permalink Reply by Elena Chin on May 31, 2008 at 2:00pm

The army recruitment piece sounds like it's the beginning of a much longer clip almost. I can't really see the arch of the story. What I see so far is what infantry is, what the army says they offer and the issue of urban v. suburban schools. They don't flow into something bigger though, which is kind of what I thought about the gang piece. It also just ends (which I'm sure you know already), maybe if you interviewed some anti-recruitment official-type people (teachers, activists, etc) and had them talk about the downsides of what the infantry does, the things the army offers and the urban v suburban thing that could be a good conclusion/second half.

-Elena

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Permalink Reply by Elena Chin on May 31, 2008 at 2:11pm

The music is pretty overpowering, especially at the beginning. It's hard to hear the speakers, like Eric said. The last techno piece especially needs to be lowered or paired with a more "go vote now!" or like pump-up message since it's so fast-moving. Again, the piece needs more arch. Like the other two pieces it just kind of starts and ends and the things people say in between don't build on each other.

When that person is talking about how the new president will change the country I'd bring in a more This American Life/"let's think about this" -style music.

To emphasize more on the need to do something part at the end, you might want to talk about how people are doing nothing first (increase the contrast).

Also, you should consider tighten up the beginning narration, it takes a pretty long time to get going.

Good luck!
Elena

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Permalink Reply by Diego Ruiz on May 31, 2008 at 2:11pm

hey guys, really awesome batch of pieces!

Recruitment: It seems like you guys could really expand on this one. It would be cool to hear more from students...why do people think urban schools are visited more? Do students have evidence of that? It sounds like the recruiter concedes at the end that urban schools are visited more, but blames it on geography...i'd like to see that examined some more for the end.

Undocumented: My suggestion for this one is that the music choices in this piece were a little random...I agree that it got distracting. I liked the first song at the beginning, but I think it went on a little long on its own, shortening that could tighten up the piece more. And I love sandstorm as much as anyone, but I don't really see how it fits with the story at the end.

- Diego, outLoud

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Permalink Reply by thaoto329 on May 31, 2008 at 2:12pm

INNOCENT BYSTANDER - Great recordings and sound levels, but this piece is very chaotic. You should have smoother transitions when going to and from different voices instead of a sudden jump, it's very noticeable. The beginning and the end were the most confusing for me, the beginning were just voices, it did not create a mood for me and at the end, the song came out of no where. There were a bunch of questions in there, but they just added to the confusion. The only part where I really got into the piece was 1:03-1:54 the story of the girl, it got me going into it and I wanted to learn more about what happened, but it got cut off very suddenly. I really like this piece, but it needs more fine tuning.

ARMY RECRUITMENT - I like how it started, it had a very personal view of recruiting. It's nice how you're getting more information about recruitment. There are some times in the piece where the people volume levels go up and down, I'd like to hear it become more smooth.

UNDOCUMENTED VOTERS - I like how it started, very political. I did not like the music starting at 0:53 though, it took away from the people you were interviewing and, to me, it seemed very out of place and was distracting. At 1:30 there is a pause that is hard to miss, it'd be nice if you could put some sort of transition in there. At 1:44 there is some more confusing music, it sounded nice, but so nice that it took my attention away from your actual story. I liked how you asked people who were not allowed to vote and teen voters, that really caught my interest, but I was a little mad when I could not hear them over the music. Remember, the music should not be louder than the speaker!

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