outLoud Radio, "Who's on your wheaties box?" draft

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Permalink Reply by Jones Franzel on June 13, 2008 at 12:10pm

Hi Elena!

First - HUGE congratulations on tackling a big, interesting topic, collecting so much good tape, and for pursuing so many angles. You've already got a great handle on this, and a lovely creative use of sound (LOVE the school handbook narration and the ringing Olympic phone) - and I basically can't wait until I hear the final version.

Though my attention never wandered, I DID wonder what the main thread is that holds the piece together. The locker room? Getting to play sports? Equal rights for transgendered athletes? Better understanding amongst legislators? You have TOO many interesting bits and pieces - and this is an excellent problem to have ;) Here's what caught my ears in particular:

- Although the intro was a bit of a blur (it's a little too fast, and mosaic-y to grab me), I DID keep hearing sections and thinking, "yeah! THIS part would do a great job of setting up the piece!" For example, the South Park clip, you talking about others' assumptions about your piece, reading from your school handbook (this was GREAT!), Cheyenne talking- any of these could be a great hook... but the fact that there are several moments that feel like a set up/hook may be an indication that you've got too many different story lines that just need to be woven together more.

- Because Cheyenne is such a relaxed, compelling speaker, the transition to your narration was a bit abrupt - it's a big tone shift. It'd help if we heard you first (so we know who we're hearing from), and if you could slow down a bit, and practice just talking naturally, to someone you know and respect and feel interesting and funny around. Trust yourself! You already have a great start.

- The core theme: You keep circling back to locker rooms, and how this is a space in which being transgender plays out - this feels like it's a huge part of what everyone's talking around. Locker rooms = nakedness = highly charged. Is there a way to clarify this, and use it to frame/set up the theme, maybe?

- I'd love to hear something about what's at stake in this debate: what would really work as a solution?

If this feels like a lot of feedback, it's because your piece is totally engrossing, and just needs some re-arranging and cutting to get down to the sparkley gem it is inside. Awesome!!

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